“What are we gonna do today, Jonathon?” Mr. Piddles was
sitting on Jonathon’s bed that Saturday morning, waiting to see what was on the
agenda. Mr. Piddles was Jonathon's stuffed polar bear, a gift from his grandmother.
“Well, I think it is about time we explored more of the
backyard.” Jonathon’s father David had fenced off a section of their backyard
for their dog to play in. However, the rest of the backyard had not been
explored by Jonathon and Mr. Piddles.
“Oh I like that idea! We should see if we can find some new
friends out there too!” Mr. Piddles was always looking for new friends.
“Yeah! Let’s go take a look outside!” Jonathon quickly put on
his tennis shoes and they slipped out the back door.
They climbed over the wooden fence and into the new
territory. There was a lot of tall grass and bugs buzzing around everywhere.
Jonathon looked all around him and up above there were several trees with lots
of branches intertwining around one another. They continued to walk further
into the wooded area until Mr. Piddles noticed something out of the corner of
his eye.
“Look over there! A monkey!” Mr. Piddles pointed to a tree a
little bit to Jonathon’s right. Jonathon quickly turned and sure enough, there
was a monkey sitting in the tree watching them!
“Let’s go try and talk to him!” Jonathon began to carefully
walk towards the monkey, unsure of his intentions. “Hello? Mr. Monkey, sir?”
“Oh hello there, young fellow! My name is Sugriva, the Monkey
King! I welcome you to my kingdom!” Sugriva bowed deeply at Jonathon and Mr.
Piddles and almost fell out of the tree.
“This is your kingdom? Where are all of the people that live
in it?” Mr. Piddles asked, slightly confused as to how a monkey thought their
backyard was his kingdom.
“Oh, I only have a few subjects, mostly birds and insects
with the occasional other animal. They are free to come and go as they please.
After I was exiled from my brother’s kingdom only a few followed me here.” The
monkey shook his head and looked back over his shoulder.
Jonathon couldn’t decide if they had accidentally walked
into another kingdom- he and his father had just been reading Narnia the night
before- or if Sugriva was telling the truth.
“Why did your brother kick you out?” Jonathon had to get to
the bottom of this.
“Well, we were out playing one day and he heard a noise, so
he dug a deep hole and told me to keep watch. But after three days I didn’t see
or hear him, so I thought he had gotten lost or come out on the other side by
then.” Jonathon and Mr. Piddles nodded as they also thought this was logical. “So
I went back home, but the next day when he came back up he struggled to get out
and thought that I had left him there on purpose trying to kill him.” Sugriva
looked very sad now.
“Oh no! Well, Mr. Sugriva, you are welcome to stay here and we
will help you reclaim your home if possible. Won’t we, Mr. Piddles?” Jonathon
felt a fire deep inside of him light, a sign to try and help the Monkey King.
“Of course! This is a very sad story and we cannot have a
homeless monkey!” Mr. Piddles nodded and soon the three were planning their
next moves.
Author’s Note:
I wanted
this story to begin developing the relationship between Jonathon, Mr. Piddles,
and other characters such as Sugriva the monkey king. I wanted to include
Sugriva because I thought that the monkeys themselves were such an integral
part to the second half of the Ramayana
stories. I really enjoyed reading about their tales and thought it was very
ridiculous why Sugriva had been kicked out of his kingdom to begin with. I did
not want to end the story with Sugriva going back because I may want to use him
in future stories in Jonathon’s backyard. I am glad to have my characters,
Jonathon and Mr. Piddles, back for this semester's Portfolio project. It is a bit
of a comfort to be able to rely on them for story ideas because there are so
many ways you can involve a little boy and his stuffed polar bear. I remember
going on lots of adventures as a kid with my stuffed animals because I was an
only child (sad but true!). I think that writing about Jonathon’s childhood is
a way for me to funnel my own experiences into these stories without having to
personally write about myself. I look forward to the next chapter in Jonathon’s
life!
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| Sugriva and Rama |
I thought it was funny how Sugriva is the king of what's probably an acre or so of land, and yet retains his noble manners. I wonder if he tried issuing any royal decrees, only to have all of the bugs and birds not pay attention. Sugriva seems like a comic figure in this story.
ReplyDeleteMaybe in the next story you could expand on how exactly Sugriva, Jonathon, and Mr. Piddles are preparing for Sugriva's return. Are they gathering an army of bugs and birds? What would Jonathon's father think if he saw his son and Mr. Piddles surrounded by animals?
Well this was a really fun little story. You do a very good job of keeping the style the same throughout and it keeps the tone nice and light and the humor is never over the top. It was a fun read. I wonder how the story might be different if you played up the humor more overtly though. Mr. Pibbles name is humorous but the actual content of the story doesn't have a ton of humor to. It could be interesting. The ending of the piece seems kind of out of place and I get that you're just emulating the source material, but you might want to change it up a bit more so it's more solid and impactful for the reader. It's clear that in reality, it would go on to something else but you could always give this piece a more solid ending since as it stand it's just a lone piece anyway.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your story! I thought it was light, humorous, and easily palatable. You did a nice job providing solid imagery which lead to a solid painting of the characters. Like Sugriva, the Monkey. "Sugriva bowed deeply at Jonathon and Mr. Piddles and almost fell out of the tree." Text like that helps to aid the imagination. I imagine Sugriva to be very bouncy, flowing, perhaps on the verge of absolute clumsy. I can see a very clear image of the three in the story and what their budding relationship is. I'd be interested to see you continue their story!
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to see Jonathon and Mr. Piddles again. They're very interesting character creations and it's been fun reading about their various adventures. I Think it was a good idea to pick this one as a portfolio piece.
ReplyDeleteYou do a really good job with keeping the piece light and humorous throughout and I think you should try to maintain this style in future pieces. I Think it would be a good idea to perhaps include these characters in your other portfolio pieces and let the portfolio be a collection of stories about these characters you have here.
The story could probably use a bit more descriptive detail but otherwise it's pretty solid and I wouldn't really change much.
This is a very fun and light narrative style and you do it very well. Overall, it made for a very fun read so thanks for sharing it. Good luck with any and all revisions with it!
Before I read your author's note at the end, I honestly thought that Jonathon and Mr. Piddles were actual characters (perhaps from a kid show). I thought that maybe they were real and that I just didn't get the pop culture reference. Simplifying these story lines is a great idea, especially because sometimes stories from the Ramayana can get confusing with all of the plot details. What a great idea to include Sugriva and the monkeys. I agree that they were such a key part of Rama's war against Ravana, yet they aren't discussed very much. The only little thing I saw was a spelling mistake in the last sentence. It should read: "Plotting their next moves."
ReplyDeleteI really like Jonathon and Mr. Piddle as characters. I would have enjoyed them even more if I had known up front that one was a stuffed polar bear ( I actually thought Mr. Piddles was a dog for some reason). I'm assuming you will eventually have an introduction that establishes this better though. I enjoyed everything else about your story except the ending. It just seems a bit rushed and underdeveloped. Your characters don't seem like the type to seek battle and revenge, but the language you use indicates that. Up until the last couple paragraphs they seem more light-hearted. What if they just plan to go to Sugriva's home instead of "plotting" their next move? I understand how the normal story goes, but that motivation seems too violent for a young boy and his stuffed animal.Then again, this is my first interaction with your characters so perhaps I'm just misreading their personalities.
ReplyDeleteI genuinely enjoyed reading your story. It held a bit of nostalgia for me, thinking back to being young and so imaginative. I had a stuffed dog named Scooter that I slept with every night, in fact, I still have him! It's important that you hold onto that imagination and it seems as though you've managed that! Like you said, there are truly so many ways you can take this story from here. Using a child's imagination as a vessel for a story is brilliant. I loved how you made Sugriva's story so easy to understand. I also was happy that Mr. Piddles was a talking stuffed animal. So far you have a very easy going story but I can tell you're on your way to some action. I'm interested to see if you bring Sugriva back into your portfolio. And will he ever get to return home? Jonathon and Mr. Piddles may just end up as heroes! Can't wait to read more!
ReplyDeleteI think the way you told this story was really creative! It had a very "Calvin and Hobbs" vibe, which I'm sure is what you intended it to be. I love how this simple story was told through the eyes of a child and his big imagination. I think this was very well written and honestly, I had a very hard time finding anything terribly wrong with it.
ReplyDeleteParagraph 6: comma needed for the compound sentence.
"Jonathon quickly turned, and sure enough, there was a monkey sitting in the tree watching them!"
Paragraph 10: comma needed for the compound sentence
"After I was exiled from my brother’s kingdom, only a few followed me here."
Other than these two grammatical errors, there weren't anything prominent mistakes that stood out to me. I think you introduced and expanded on all the character very well. You gave us an insight into each of their personalities by what they said and how they reacted to each other. I loved reading your story!
This is really cute and it definitely reminded me of Pooh bear and Christopher Robins. It was very simple and had a childlike curiosity to it which made it very easy to read. I really enjoyed reading your story.
ReplyDeleteAw, this one is so cute too! I definitely like how a little bit more stuff is happening here, and I love how Mr. Piddles just says that bears don't drink hot chocolate! That was definitely my most favorite part of the story. I can't wait to see what other adventures Sugriva and Jonathan will get up to! Just a little side note, and it could definitely just be a problem on my computer, is that for some reason all of the font is very big as opposed to your other stories.
ReplyDeleteHello Kaitlin,
ReplyDeleteThis story was definitely very unique. I liked seeing the return of Jonathan and Mr. Piddles. I think you use those characters very well throughout all of your portfolio stories. I also like how your stories involving Jonathan and Mr. Piddle keep to the same sort of style. When you said the fence had been put there to keep their dog in I assumed that Jonathan would also get in trouble for crossing the fence. It is very funny how that one little detail made me think that the story was going to go in such a different direction. I thought that your reference to Narnia was hilarious! It was very fitting for the situation and I could definitely see how Jonathan would think that maybe he had gone through some sort of “Wardrobe” after jumping the fence. You did a great job of adding supporting details to this story and I really enjoyed reading it.